"I was clear throughout this campaign and was clear throughout this transition that under my administration the United States does not torture, " Obama said, and with the wave of his teleprompter, enemy combatants will no longer be subjected to the same kind of "torture" he inflicts as Commander-in-Chief.

 

The eager applicant, clutching his resume, strides confidently through the doors of the Enemies of America Human Resources Agency, and is immediately disheartened by the long lines of would-be terrorists, assassins, saboteurs and spies seeking jobs from the overworked bureaucrats of the jihad.

The employment counselor, Mulli al Rashiri, in his traditional Ghutra and short-sleeved thobe, motions the applicant to a chair.

“My name is Mohammed,” announces the applicant, handing over his resume.  “I want to join the fight against America.”

Mulli the counselor glances at the resume and shakes his head.  “I wish you’d come a year ago.  Everybody was hiring–al Qaeda, the Taliban, Iran death squads.  Could have got you a free trip to Venezuela just for an interview.  But now–nothing”

“But I am qualified in demolitions, firearms, subversion,” Mohammed pleads.  “I was voted Most Likely to Be Interviewed by MSNBC by my terrorist training class.”

“Just no need these days.”

“I can infiltrate the CIA, learn all their secret interrogation methods.”

“The Obama administration has already made those public.  And even if they hadn’t spilled all their secret interrogation techniques, the American Attorney General is prosecuting the lawyers who authorized them.  We have nothing to fear from the CIA.”

“I’m very good at propaganda.  I could devise campaigns to make the Americans look weak and untrustworthy to other nations.“

The counselor holds up his hand.  “Obama’s already done that.  He has abandoned the Eastern Europeans, belittled the British, kowtowed to the Russians, befriended Hugo Chavez, and answered the North Korean missile launch by promising not to weaponize space.  There is nothing you can do to weaken or embarrass the Americans that their president hasn’t already done.”

“How about sabotage?  I could penetrate their advanced aircraft factories and destroy their state-of-the-art fighter planes.”

“The Secretary of Defense already did that when he cancelled the F-22 program.  No need to destroy their front-line fighters–the Americans are scrapping the entire program.”

Desperate, Mohammed struggles to find a place in the fight.  “I could learn white collar crime.  I could work on Wall Street, destroy their financial system.”

“Obama has already taken care of that with his stimulus and spending bills.  America is spending trillions of dollars they don’t have, nationalizing banks and private industry, bringing in socialized medicine.  Obama is engineering the total collapse of the American financial system.  Do you really think you can do worse than that?”

“But I need a job.”

“So does every terrorist in the world.  Look, when Bush was in charge, and we were losing twenty, thirty, fifty holy warriors a day, we were desperate for new recruits.  But now I get thousands of applications for every job.  Even to be an entry-level community organizer for ACORN, you have to know somebody.  Ever since Obama and the Democrats took over, the job market in terrorism, insurrection, and anti-American subversion has plummeted.  Unemployment among terrorists has skyrocketed.”

“What should I do?”

“There’s always a need for suicide bombers.”  Mulli the counselor points to a long, stationary line of last-resort applicants.  “Good benefits, full retirement.”

Mohammed shakes his head.  “I was looking for something with more of a future.”

Mulli checks his computer.  “Al Franken is looking for a chief of staff.”

Mohammed pretends not to hear.  “I have a master’s degree from the Anti-American University in Tehran.  Maybe I could teach.”

Mulli shakes his head.  “It would take years of hard work and study to be able to indoctrinate American students to hate their country more successfully than the subversive teachers, textbooks and social programs already established in the American educational system.”

Mohammed’s hopes are crushed.  “All my life, I have studied how evil the United States is.  I hate America.  I want to tear America down.  There must be something I can do.”

“Have you thought about becoming a community organizer?”

 

Lance Thompson

 

by Lance Thompson

 

The nationwide tea parties last week, despite being ridiculed and denounced by the mainstream media, were the beginning of an undeniable national movement to wrest control of the government from the big spenders and even bigger taxers. Though conservatives were much more numerous than liberals, the tea parties were not necessarily friendly to Republicans, especially those who favor big (expensive) government. This tells me that tea parties, with no allegiance to either the GOP or the Democrats, may give rise to the long sought-after third party–the Tea Party.

 

One does not need to be a reader of tea leaves to discern the clear and concise plank--smaller government, lower taxes, greater accountability. Being a grass roots organization, Tea Party collectors could solicit donations in Tea Cups at such Tea-friendly venues as NASCAR races, gun shows, and Wal-Mart parking lots.

 

Certainly the Tea Party would draw mostly from the Republican ranks, just as a new political party based on gourmet coffee houses would draw mainly from the Democrats. Seldom feeling welcome among the environmentally correct, caffeine-agitated, New York Times-addicted denizens of Starbucks, Tea Party members could meet for a cup in Tea Houses featuring FoxNews monitors, incandescent lighting, and RV hook-ups.

 

The Tea Party would have a big tent open to all–decaf and high octane drinkers, steaming hot and refreshingly iced afficionados, straight black and passion fruit devotees, not to mention traditional lovers and instant converts.

 

The Tea Party must be prepared for vicious assault from the media character assassins who serve the Left. TP-ers will have to prepare for such biased headlines as “Trouble Brewing for Tea Party,” “Tea Leaks Leave Stain on Coattails,” and the old favorite, “Teapot Dome Scandal.” Pinko pundits will tell Tea Party members that they’re playing into the hands of the Chinese tea producers, the Japanese tea ceremonialists, and the English tea purists. But this Tea Party will have a distinctly American flavor, just as the original one did in November 1773.

 

Ultimately, all political parties need a leader and standard bearer. I suggest we search for a man or woman who believes in the plank, is unwilling to dilute core principles, and is unafraid of being squeezed by both sides. For the time being, let us call that leader “Earl Grey,” and plan for a nominating convention in Darjeeling.

 

Whether this third party will be a tempest in a teapot remains to be seen. But Americans have had a sip of a refreshing new political flavor, and they seem to be warming to the idea. If nothing else, it has been an excellent way to let off steam.

by Lance Thompson

 

Over the weekend, the US Navy rescued Captain Richard Phillips from pirates who had boarded his commercial civilian ship, tried to seize it, and held him at gunpoint for five days. Navy marksmen shot three of the four pirates holding Phillips in a lifeboat, and took into custody the fifth pirate who was “negotiating” for the captain’s life. The nation should cheer the actions by the US Navy, welcome Captain Phillips home with open arms, and take this opportunity to establish a strong anti-piracy policy.

 

That policy should be that pirates shall be executed as terrorists on the spot. There is no need for a trial. Five armed pirates boarded a defenseless ship and attempted to seize it and its crew. The crew fought back, regained control, and the pirates departed with one hostage, threatening to kill him if their demands weren’t met. There is no defense, no excuse, no extenuating circumstances for piracy. The two remaining pirates in this incident should be executed immediately, before they reach port. Their remains can be displayed as a reminder of the fate that awaits their kind.

 

Some have commented already that the decisive end of this incident will encourage more violent acts by pirates. These are the same deep thinkers who believe that being nice to terrorists will lessen the severity of terrorist attacks. Pirates and terrorists have freely chosen careers of murder and depredation in which they prey on the innocent and unarmed. There is no defense or excuse for this behavior. There is only one suitable penalty–death.

 

Pirate apologists will say that this in unrealistic, particularly in hostage situations. But hostage situations work both ways. In this incident, as in so many others, the pirates threatened to kill their hostages. By the same token, pirates also know that the hostages are their only shield against punishment for their crimes. If hostages are killed, pirates must know that they will face execution–not a lengthy legal battle that will turn them into celebrities.

 

For additional leverage in a hostage crisis, any pirates held in custody by the nation attacked should be put at risk. For every innocent hostage harmed, a pirate will be executed immediately. If the nation should run short of pirates in custody, that nation should apprehend pirates (such as Abdullah Lami, a pirate who is holding a Greek ship in the Somali town of Gaan), those who support pirates, those who supply pirates, those who defend pirates, those who speak for pirates, those who profess to be pirates (such as self-described Jamac Hebeb, who advised all future hostage-takers to kill their hostages before they can be rescued), and those who are related to pirates. It is time that the enemy be put at the same level of risk as the civilized world. The penalty for piracy is death, and that penalty applies to anyone involved.

 

While this may sound harsh or uncivilized, it is the only possible response to the terrorism of piracy. Do you ever wonder why Iranian ships, Russian ships, Red Chinese ships are never seized by pirates? It’s because pirates know that those governments will retaliate swiftly and mercilessly. Is it more civilized for us to put all those who sail under our flag at risk, merely so we can appear to be humane and civilized? If we don’t punish piracy severely, we become complicit in its wickedness, and we contribute to its awful human toll.

 

Just as with terrorism, piracy will not cease until pirates are certain that their acts will be met with swift and certain justice. Pirates have chosen to hold innocent people at risk to realize financial gain. One who becomes a pirate forfeits all claims to mercy, compassion, and the benefits of humanity. These are enemies of the civilized world, and they should be exterminated as one would deal with pestilential vermin.

In the corruption column, Obama moved quickly to fill his cabinet and administration with tax cheats...

by Lance Thompson

It’s impossible to know whether hindsight will assess the current administration as the most corrupt, the most inept, or the most dangerous in history, but there is certainly an opportunity for Obama to rate highest in all three categories and claim the Triple Crown.

In the corruption column, Obama moved quickly to fill his cabinet and administration with tax cheats (Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner) and terrorist sympathizers (Attorney General Eric Holder and National Intelligence Council chief Charles Freeman).  The only reason there aren’t more criminals in the administration is that several nominees withdrew their names when their questionable pasts were exposed–Governor Bill Richardson (under federal investigation for trading state contracts for campaign contributions) and one-time Senate Majority Leader Tom Daschle and private consultant Nancy Killefer (tax troubles for both).  Harold Koh, Obama’s pick for the State Department’s legal advisor, finds nothing wrong with applying Muslim Sharia law in “appropriate” cases.   Obama has brought the 2010 Census under the control of the White House, and is enlisting the vote-manufacturing experts at ACORN to recruit census takers.  And let’s not forget that Obama campaigned for and signed a stimulus bill that neither he nor many Democrats nor any Republicans in Congress ever read--the most costly single piece of legislation in history.

In qualifying for the ineptitude crown, Obama has demonstrated a supreme lack of diplomatic grace, despite campaigning on the promise to improve America’s image in the world.  He presented the British Prime Minister with movie DVD’s unviewable on European video systems, and the Queen with a video i-pod that included video coverage of his own speeches.  His state department denied the existence of a special relationship between the United States and the United Kingdom.   Obama’s recent speeches abroad, besides denigrating American commitment and sacrifice to a free Europe, also demonstrates such a dismal knowledge of 20th Century history and geopolitics that no one could ever doubt his Ivy League education. Obama has also suggested that Americans in uniform provide their own health insurance; subsidized GM, fired its CEO, and then indicated the company may be better off declaring bankruptcy; spent the first few weeks of his presidency declaring the “worst economic crisis since the Great Depression,” then switched to rosy outlooks and predictions once his cripplingly massive spending bills were passed.

But Obama scores highest in the “most dangerous” category:

He vows to rid the American arsenal of nuclear weapons while more rogue regimes than ever before are racing to perfect them.

His answer to a record national debt is to treble and quadruple that debt with mindless spending and unprecedented waste.

He slapped key ally Israel in the face by sending a billion dollars of aid to the terrorist government of Gaza to repair damage inflicted in the recent conflict.

He cravenly offered to bargain away our missile defense of Eastern European states while begging the Russians to cease their military aid to Iran.

He met the defiant launch of a North Korean ICBM with anguished hand-wringing and a complaint to the permanently ineffectual United Nations.

His Defense Secretary strips major military programs from the budget even as every other government program enjoys unprecedented largesse.

Most corrupt, most inept, most dangerous–certainly Obama has competition for any one of these honors from administrations past.  But we have never had a president who scored so highly so quickly in all three categories.  Of course, Obama could jeopardize his chance at the Triple Crown if he were to suddenly demonstrate competence, judgment and integrity.  But personally, I think his lock on the title is unassailable.

and everyone is having a Howard Beale moment.

 

Is Obama in the driver's seat?

 

by  Lance Thompson

I have never owned a car not built by General Motors in the continental United States.  My father used to sell General Motors cars, and owned everything from stately Buicks to flashy Corvettes.  So when Pesident Obama decided, first, to dump billions of dollars into General Motors, then to fire its CEO, and most recently to declare that it wouldn’t be so bad if the company went into bankruptcy after all, I had to look into it.  And because of my long association with the company, I was given a sneak peek at the many wonderful new products that will result from the Obama administration taking the helm.

Senator Ted Kennedy contributed a design for a wind turbine-powered limousine, the Schooner, which harnesses the power of the wind to propel the vehicle.  It takes a stiff breeze to activate the Schooner’s twelve-foot turbine, but the energy generated is stored in the Kennedy-patented “wind bag” until it is needed for propulsion.  The high-profile vehicle, with its sixteen-foot mast, is somewhat ungainly, but it is legal on all roads more than fifty miles from the Kennedy compound.  Naturally, the senator insisted on an amphibious option and a fully-stocked bar in the center console.

Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, in keeping with her tradition of international diplomacy, will re-badge a Russian import for domestic sale.  The new Potahtoe is based on a successful Soviet tractor design from the 1960's.  It sports the largest rear wheels in the industy (84 inches), and its only marketing drawback is that It Takes a Village to push-start it.   The one-seater places the driver in a high, commanding driving position, and instrumentation has been simplified to one button whose label is still mystifying linguists.  The Potahtoe is admittedly a gas guzzler, but it can attain almost six miles per gallon if the optional plow is left at home.  As an additional inducement, buyers are encouraged to petition oil-exporting nations like Russia, Venezuela and Iran for fuel subsidies, as our State Department has legitimized begging as a viable foreign policy option.

Previously optional equipment will be standard on all models.  Satellite radio will provide the driver with a limited choice of programming–National Public Radio or audio rebroadcasts of “The View.”  Onboard navigation systems are also standard, although they will permit only left turns.  Vice President Joe Biden will compose all the new owners manuals, but it is expected that he will merely plagiarize the previous versions.

The president himself contributed a brave new design reflective of the new political realities.  The Obama Imaj takes advantage of new technology in several respects.  First, electronic amplifiers make the whiny hybrid engine sound like a powerful V-8.  Hologram projectors create the impression that the small economy car is actually a substantial vehicle.  Onboard video screens keep the occupants distracted from the paucity of quality features.  All in all, the Obama Imaj succeeds in making a lightweight seem eminently desirable.  

First lady Michelle Obama is in charge of marketing for the new company, and is convinced that her new slogan will drive people to the dealerships in droves: “For the first time in your life, you will be proud to be an American car owner.”

In the interests of improving fuel economy, Representative Barney Frank has designed the sleek new Loafer roadster.  As befits one of the central figures in the housing crisis, the shifty automobile has no rear-view mirrors.  But using lightweight composites and downsizing components in the car, Frank’s Loafer is the lightest in the inventory.  Its revolutionary nylon mesh seats alone are eighty-five percent lighter than conventional seats, but the open weave design means that the driver’s Fannie Mae be exposed.

Realizing that consumers may find some of these new technologies undesirable, Obama has taken steps to overcome resistance.  Instead of choosing your next car in the privacy of your own home, union representatives in six-man “marketing groups” will call upon you and, under the new “consumer free choice act,” counsel you to choose one of the new cars by the process of card check.  Test marketing has shown that 95% of consumers make the choice that the groups recommend, which means that only 5% of the sample requires hospitalization.

Admittedly, the cost of many new models may be off-putting, but Obama has already made arrangements to address that issue.  Anyone who buys a car he can’t afford may apply for a “personal mobility bailout” financed by taxing those who have recently bought cars they can afford.